Everybody panic!

As a nation, we seem to be teetering on the verge of a very middle-class apocalypse, one which is holding eye contact while unflinchingly increasing the price of hand sanitiser between each worried looking person in line at the chemist. An end-of-days parade of wide-eyed, polite folk roaming loose around supermarkets, trying to look nonchalant in their quest to find the last bottle of pineapple scented hand gel. People who wouldn’t WANT to fight, but…

Our daughter’s school has issued warnings and advice, we are singing the prescribed two verses of Happy Birthday while slowly washing our hands, staring forlornly into the bathroom mirror like the ghosts of sad Victorian orphans. My hands are looking like something from Cocoon. We are too British to panic, but we shall tut and huff and encourage our kids to avoid playing with Sneezy Joe at school, all while being grateful that it seems to be happening to other people for now. But, and I don’t say this lightly, kids are filthy. If the end times come soon they shall be heralded not by four horsemen, but by 4 snotty year 2s playing the shared class recorders.

These germ delivery drivers are IN OUR HOUSES and it’s impolite to throw them out when they can’t legally look for alternative accommodation because they are still ‘only 5 mummy, please’.

Short of quarantining them all at Hogwarts or anywhere else which produces smug magical beings while us muggles work our fingers to the bone while they swim in vaults full of gold, we need to take drastic measures. We have to start hosing them down when they get home with the enthusiasm of a gap-year student at an elephant sanctuary.

Spray anti-bac directly into little Jimmy’s eyes, sheep dip the neighbours’ kids in last summer’s paddling pool before they can come inside. Put marigolds on the end of mops and greet them with a long-distance hug when they get home from school. Make them live in a tent in the garden and call it camping, kids love that stuff. Send them on a play date and leave the country while they are out.

Use your heads people, don’t let the kids win.

DL

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