Nicholas Cage*: The inside scoop

We’ve had many famous types pass through our town, and some even make it their home.

One who is more prominent than most is Nicholas Cage, who for several years has been staring from his window for several years now, like a sentinel watching over the Square ensuring that harmony reigns. Despite being notoriously taciturn, and made of cardboard, we still decided to approach the star of The Croods, Color Out of Space and other films you somehow overlooked existing and get the inside story:

Sorry the Oscars overlooked you this year. How you feeling?

Yeah man, I really thought I had a fighting chance with my new film, Jiu-Jitsu (it’s on Netflix, go watch) but it’s all politics man.

You took up residence above the High Street crossing in Beeston a few years back? What attracted you to the town?

Was drinking in this little pub the Pottle and one thing led to another and I moved in with this Irish guy, nice guy, but always made me do the pots.

You subsequently disappeared for a few years, causing much distress among Beestionians. Where did you go, and why did you desert us??

Ah man, I had to go get in fighting shape for my new film Jiu-Jitsu, have you seen it? You should see it. And then Covid hit and I couldn’t get back to my Irish Bro…

We’re grateful you’re back and looking better than ever. What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever seen from your excellent vantage point?

Couple of pigeons fighting over a Greggs sausage roll. Not Jiu Jitsu style though.

You once appeared on an edition of Channel 4 News when they recorded a piece from Beeston. Was this the highlight of your screen career?

I did?

Yes you did.

Man. I guess my highlight so far is living in Beeston, want my face on that wall next to Tesco though.

What words of wisdom have you for the people of Beeston?

Wear your mask dudes and dudettes or we’ll be having a Face-Off…

*cardboard

Many thanks to Cardboard Nic Cage’s agent, Peter Daly, for arranging this interview. Jiu Jitsu is now available on Netflix. Spare yourself, and don’t watch it. Honestly.

LB

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