The season of Noel and antibacterial gel

So as I write this dear readers we are all in the middle of Lockdown 2 and like most sequels it’s not nearly as good as the original. What did we expect though? We all saw the trailer back in March and we didn’t enjoy that either. This isn’t Terminator 2, it’s more like, 2 Lockdown: 2 furious.

At least in the original there was some poignant moments, the clapping for the keyworkers, the excitement of that first family zoom quiz, the satisfaction of taking that first Banana Bread out of the oven. It even had a cool catchphrase…..”stay safe” amazing, that’s like the new, “I’ll be back.”

Rumour has it that this second film is already way over budget and that’s just the millions the government have wasted on this track and trace app.

We were all impressed by the stunts in that first lockdown film too, they felt new and fresh. “Eat out to help out” was a good one. That bit with the big spike at the end was really impressive, even if we did all see it coming.

The first lockdown film, just captured the public’s imagination. It had a plot that united the country, then some bloke drove to Barnard Castle to check his eyesight and people suddenly lost interest. We all know it’s a movie, but that twist was too farfetched for even the most imaginative of us.

The government keeps dangling the idea of Christmas in our faces as some kind of bribery-bauble. I don’t think they get it, do they? I spent the entire month of April sitting on the sofa=eating pringles and watching the Tiger King back to back. I’ve had my Christmas. I don’t want Santa, I want freedom!

This is the only thing that makes this second lockdown bearable for me. In the first one my social media timeline was flooded by those annoying people. The one’s that looked at this whole crisis as a gift. You remember those ones, we had a name for them didn’t we? What was it now? Oh yes, I remember, “Bellends.”

They never stopped banging on about this moment as being the chance for them to finally finish that novel, grapple with a new language or learn that musical instrument.

What is wrong with them? Don’t they understand that no crisis in history has been improved by the addition of a trumpet?

As for finishing a novel, time isn’t the only barrier there is it? if it was just a question of having time on your hands then why aren’t we seeing serial killers bashing out endless literary works? Take Rose West for instance, twenty five years and not one book, not even a podcast!

Many of us during the first lockdown, myself included, realised that time wasn’t the issue, we just lacked motivation. Some days were bleak. The lowest point was a Tuesday in April. All I did that day was griddle some aubergines. An entire day and that was my only achievement. I remember I needed a wee, but I decided to hold it in because I thought it would be nice to have some plans for the day after.

I get why people find these lockdowns frustrating, it feels like we’ve all been grounded by Boris Johnson.

If the R-Rate goes up again he’ll probably take our games consoles off us and send us to bed with no tea.

But this is the first time in history where staying in your house and doing nothing is seen as being heroic. You’re saving the NHS one boxset at a time. In the war you used to hear things like:

“It’s not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country!”

Well now it’s:

“Do your bit, be a lazy sh*t”

When this is over, we might all get medals, but not a George cross, just a gold brooch in the shape of a pizza slice.

Lockdown 2 isn’t about personal goals, bettering oneself or getting fit. It’s cold, it’s dark, we’re all a bit tired. This is a month of letting yourself go, sticking the elasticated sweatpants back on and trying to get gout by 1 st December.

The fact remains though, that Christmas is going to be very different this year.

Firstly Christmas shopping isn’t going to be the same. The traditional Black Friday sales at the end of November will have to be done online. It’s good that we can still get those discounts but I will miss the adrenaline rush of having to wrestle another man to the ground just to get my hands on a cheap coffee maker.

It means more people shopping online. This is going to make Jeff Bezos from Amazon the richest man in history. By January he’ll have more money than Bruce Wayne. Can you imagine what his tax bill will be though? Of course you can, It’ll probably be nothing, same as last year.

It’s everyone’s first Christmas during a global pandemic, and I think there will be some key differences. The first one concerns Santa himself. What if he has to self-isolate? Are his reindeer in his support bubble? These are worrying times. Kids can still visit him, either over Zoom, direct to the North Pole, (if his broadband is up to it), or in person, with Santa handing over a freshly sanitised present on the end of a fishing rod.

He won’t be the first person who’s had to change their business practices this year. In an increasingly cashless society, 2021 will be the first year that the Tooth Fairy brings in a chip and pin device.

Everyone is worried about how the new regulations will impact upon the plans people have for Christmas. It’s going to affect us, especially if the rule of six is still in place on Christmas day. Only six people will allowed around the table and that’s a problem. Myself, Jemma and the two kids are in obviously, but what about the grandparents?

We’ve decided the best way to so this is to have a “Royal Rumble” style battle between them all for the two remaining seats at the table. I put money on my mum. She may be seventy but she fights dirty. She does Pilates, she’s spent hours lifting a Dyson and wringing out dishcloths, she’s wiry and lethal.

These regulations are also the perfect way to get rid of those family members who always ruin your Christmas! All those snide comments, those crap presents, now it’s payback time!

You could eliminate them like a talent show. Sit them down one by one in the kitchen.

“Uncle Alan, we’ve come to our decision, it’s been very difficult, you did very well, we all liked you and your attempts at humour…but I’m afraid to say, it’s a no!”

Feel free to come back and audition next December!

I’ve just found out that my four year old’s school Nativity play is happening without an audience this year. You can’t see my face but if you could, you would see how utterly devastated I am. I’ve decided to try and still recreate that experience at home though. My wife and I will sit for three hours on tiny chairs with our backs to a radiator, reading lines from a script at a breathtakingly slow pace at a volume practically inaudible to the human ear.

Something we’ve all got on our Christmas lists this year is that vaccine. This is our only hope for a route back to normality again.

The recent news has been encouraging. It’s a full on race now, with Oxford, Pfizer and the Russian one, Sputnik 5 all competing to be the first to get the doses ready for the population.

The Russian one is my favourite so far, Sputnik 5. That sounds like one up from Cillit Bang. Putin was so confident that is was safe, that way back in May he tested the first batch on his own children. What a hero, I can’t even get my two to try Broccoli.

In order for it to be effective we have to persuade the anti-vax lot to take it, which isn’t going to be easy.

“But I don’t know what’s in it, I don’t trust it!”

“Fine, Susan, I’ll have your share, you go and try your luck with some herbal tea and some ginseng from Holland and Barret.”

The conspiracy theorists claim that Bill Gates is trying to inject a microchip into all our brains, to track our every moment. I don’t mean to sound dismissive of that but haven’t you already have got something in your pocket that can do that? Your mobile phone.

“Why would you think that Microsoft would be interested in planting a chip in your head Alan?”

“All you’ve done today is read the paper, scratch your nut sack and make a cheese toastie, no one is putting that explosive information into a spreadsheet mate.”

A lot of people have said they don’t want to take the vaccine as they don’t want to put something they don’t trust inside their bodies. It’s funny, a lot of these people probably spent their teenage years experimenting with any chemicals they could get their hands on. Back in the nineties they would willingly hoover up drain cleaner off a cistern in Yates Wine Lodge every Saturday night, but now all of a sudden their body is a temple?

The vaccine will have to be stored at temperatures four times lower than the average freezer. Scientists haven’t decided on the location yet, but the other day I was in Iceland and I noticed that they had cleared a space next to the oven chips, so it looks like it could be sorted.

The vaccine will have to be stored at temperatures four times lower than the average freezer. Scientists haven’t decided on the location yet, but the other day I was in Iceland and I noticed that they had cleared a space next to the oven chips, so it looks like it could be sorted.

I haven’t seen one trailer, or music video. The vaccine hasn’t even got its own twitter account yet?

Surely this is the easiest PR job in the world, isn’t it?

I’ll give them the slogan now, “If you want to go outside again mate? Then stick this in your arm”, job done.

But whatever you do this Christmas, whoever you’re with, just remember that you’ve made it through, you’re still here and you’re doing brilliantly. So kick back, relax, take the pressure off, after the year we’ve all had, we totally deserve it.

Merry Christmas everyone and a happy new year.

Let’s be honest it can’t be worse than the last one, can it?

SB

www.scottbennettcomedy.co.uk

Twitter – @scottbcomedyuk
Instagram – @scottbcomedyuk
Stand up from the shed – Live stream Every Week
Live – www.facebook.com/scottybcomedy
Podcast – Search “Stand up from the shed” on Apple and Soundcloud
Twitter – @standupinashed